We are emotional creatures! Eyes ablaze, steeped in tears of joy or sadness, bedazzled in love.
We are a bunch of walking, talking, working, and playful people dripping with emotions.
Of course, we wouldn’t have it any other way!
After all, we are human. This is not to say that only humans have emotions, including shame.
Shame is a natural emotion like anger, sadness, excitement, fear, and others. No one enjoys feeling sad or fearful; feeling ashamed is no different. We are sometimes ashamed of ourselves and others: family, friends, things, and experiences.
We’ve all heard negative things about shame. Can anything good be said about shame?
No one wants to invite shame for breakfast, lunch, or dinner; no one says, “I love you, shame!”
Do you think there’s anything good about shame?
Shame is self-consciousness about wrongful or foolish behavior associated with morality or society’s norms. Being ashamed of oneself, other people, and things work similarly.
There are healthy and enlightening perspectives about shame.
It’s not unusual for parents to say, “Good that you felt ashamed; maybe you won’t do that again.” A person who experiences healthy shame learns from mistakes and works to avoid repeated offenses against one’s conscience, values, and beliefs.
There is also unhealthy or destructive shame.
We’ve heard people say, “I will never live it down.” These people may be unable to separate the shame from who they are. Unhealthy shame can hinder growth from the experience and result in low self-esteem and negativity about oneself and others.
Some people struggle and keep reliving the shameful behavior; this is destructive and not healthy. Focusing on one’s shameful past and experiences prevents reconciliations with oneself and others.
Benjamin Franklin said, “Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.”
Who hasn’t experienced shame due to a rash decision or an angry action?
When we are compassionate with ourselves, we can use shame as a reconciliation bridge for learning and understanding.
Here are a few acclamations that may help in dealing with shame:
No one is perfect.
Everyone makes mistakes.
I can do better.
Without compassion, shame can turn into a pit of self-ridicule and negativity.
How one deals with shame determines if the incident will be a learning experience or a painful thorn.
Turning shame into a positive learning experience makes one stronger.
Just like anger, fear, sadness, and other emotions, we cannot eliminate the possibility of shame.
No one is shame-proof!
Our conscience or inner voice sounds off when our actions go against our beliefs and values. We feel ashamed when we breach our conscience, standards, pledges, promises, and other values.
Feeling ashamed is a part of our conscience and humanity.
People have different values and beliefs. Some actions we think others should be ashamed of don’t phase them.
The feeling of shame reminds us to respect and consider others’ feelings. Because we’re imperfect, we say and do things that put us and others in a bad light.
If people weren’t capable of shame, they would do and say anything without guilt or remorse. The possibility of shame makes us try to be better individuals.
President Obama said, “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”
Forgive yourself and let shame go.
Be well.